I’m Debi. Shame has been my companion since I was very small. There were two incidents that really framed my early years. Both occurred when I was about 4.
But before I get into that, perhaps you would like to know what you are getting into, before you invest your precious time in my words.
My life has been pretty chaotic. The first 5 years involved repeated traumas. When I was 6, my parents separated. That was something odd, and it made me odd. Divorce was still relatively uncommon.
Then the sexual abuse started. Nine was an awful year. But we’ll go there another day.
Like some other survivors of sexual abuse, I found an inappropriate man and let him make me his. Within a few years, we were active in alternative life styles. For those who don’t follow, that was a variety of atypical sexual activity. OK. I’ll say it. We started by looking for someone to have a threesome and ended in a cozy swingers group.
After my marriage ended I drifted through life. I tried desperately to find some meaning, some purpose. When I failed I landed myself in a psychiatric day program.
That was the start of a whole other life. I started to want to want to get better. From there to here is a whole other story. It has been almost 22 years. I have built a life for myself. A life with little drama. I have friends, and a part time job. I am on disability. I had to truly struggle to find acceptance of that. Things are good, now.
The thing is, I feel that there is something in my healing that could benefit others. I want to write about my journey. To offer a smidge of hope to others.
I hope you stick around. Comment if you like. Help me to define the changes that can happen when I let go of the shame. Letting it go (though I am by no means a finished project) is incredible.